Honestly, its different than I ever imagined it would be. It looks different. It feels different. I have struggled with turning 30 more than I ever thought I would. I felt dread when I turned 29. I knew the next one meant more.
I always thought that people were crazy for struggling with age. I'm sure because I was 23. It's easy to scoff at age when you feel ageless. Somewhere around 28 I realized I wouldn't be young forever. That was hard. Time takes it's toll on us all. It doesn't have favorites. Time has it's way with everyone, and you don't really understand in your 20's.
I think 30 is so hard for so many because there is a cultural standard. We all feel like we should've done more. When you turn 20, you are a kid. But thirty means more, right? By 30, you should have some sense of who you are. Thirty means maturity and knowledge and growth. I think 30 stings us a bit because we feel a bit more intensity to have more, to be more, to know more, and we don't.
Turning 30 has made me take a long hard look back on the past decade of my life. My 20's were the best years of my life, without a doubt. They grew me. They shaped me. They are full of stories of God's faithfulness and steadfast love. They are full of His grace. They are freckled with sadness and heartache, but there is so much joy to be remembered there. I can't turn 30 without going back there to remember the journey here. It has been a good one.
The things 30 years have brought me, can't be touched or seen. I have grown, but not in wealth or knowledge. I have grown in grace. I have let go of how I thought things would look by now. I have let go of dreams growing in my heart and taken hold of a great faith and trust in the ways of Jesus. Time is not my friend, but He is. I might cringe at the sound of my age from here on out, but I delight in the faithfulness of God that has seen me through every year of my life.
I also can't turn 30 without looking forward to the next decade with great hope. Time will rob you blind before you even know it. I hope that one day, when I wake up to 40, that I can look back on my 30's and say that they were the best years yet. I hope that they will be the years that I learn more about God, myself, and the ones I love.
I hope that these next years make me better and fuller. I hope that the years ahead are kind to me, but more importantly, I hope they don't pass me by without a chance at change and growth. I hope I don't look at 40 the way I look now. I pray that I am softer, kinder, more loving, caring, and giving. I hope so much for the next 10 years. But mostly that I see the light in all of it. I pray that in the darkest of the night, that I can still see the light no matter my circumstance, position, social status, or age.