This year has broken me down piece by piece, like a fully-formed jigsaw puzzle being put back in its box.
Everyone has their own battle of 2020. Mine, has been relentless. I’ve been dealing with things I thought I buried long ago. All of the sudden, I’m fighting insecurities I haven’t seen in a while. I’m like, what is this and who are you? We aren’t friends! Go away!
The hardest lesson I think I’ve ever had to learn is the “hard stuff” is not one and done.
No. You have to do it over and over again.
When you fall and get back up, it doesn’t mean you won’t have to fall and get back up again. When you let go, it doesn’t mean you don’t have to let go over and over again. When you conquer an insecurity it doesn’t mean they won’t show up again. When you face the fears with all the strength you can muster, it doesn’t mean you won’t have to be strong and face it again and again.
I can’t tell you of the countless times I have sat crying on my bedroom floor, “ but God, I already did that!”
“ I already took the high road”
“ I already let go”
“ I already said goodbye”
“I already carried this cross!”
His gentle whisper in my pain,
“Again, Love”.
Life is filled to the brim with grinning and bearing it, and doing the hard stuff because it’s the right stuff. Doing it once doesn’t make you immune to it the next time.
It’s not a vaccine.
It only teaches you how.
And eventually, you do get better.
Eventually, all the other falls before serve as the knee pads and helmet to the next ones. Eventually, you know how the story goes and before you even get up off the ground, you know how to fall better the next time: on your hands!
That’s just life, and love, and loss.
I can see 2020 packing it’s bags and working it’s way out. It might have some last minute tactics up it’s sleeve to conquer me and take me out.
But I’m not going down like that.
Doubt will not win me.
Insecurity will not win me.
Fear will not win me.
This year has shown me over and over, I CAN DO IT AGAIN. I have what it takes to get back up, to get through it again, to pick up that cross again. He will carry me through, yet again.
I have to let it go, face my fears, make the move, take the chance, take the high road, be the bigger person, fight the lies, do the hard stuff...
Fall...
get back up...
and then get ready to do it again.