I need.

Those two words almost do not exist in my vocabulary at all.

The past 10 years I have been on the most brutal journey to self discovery. One marked with much heartache and grief. One of going on a journey back to the little girl in me. One where I woke up and realized I was none of the things I really wanted to be. Instead I was always who the world wanted of me.

I built my entire life mirroring back to people the version of me I thought they wanted to see. Not being liked and chosen felt like dying to me. I learned to say what kept me connected, show up in every way every time, and people please more than I would breathe. I learned my needs came last because what mattered most was them liking, loving, approving of, and needing me. I became everything to everyone and abandoned time after time my own needs. I learned it because I was taught it. We all are. It’s bred into us from birth.

We speak up as children and we are told to be quiet and listen. We cry and we are told we will get something to cry about. And in adulthood, we carry on that dialogue with ourselves. We can’t need anything because the kids need and the bills need and the parents need and the job needs and need and need and need.

But the truth is we all have needs whether we acknowledge them, burry them, are oblivious to them or ignore them- they are there. God created them uniquely for us.

In a world where we are taught from birth that needs are selfish, there is a father in heaven that gave them to us on purpose. Furthermore, he saw the biggest need of humanity for salvation and sent his son to fulfill it.

God speaks to our very own needs in the Bible:

Philippians 4:19: "And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus"

2 Corinthians 9:8: "God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others"

God delights to give us all we need and to BE all we need. But denying our needs for ourselves almost always leads to denying our need for him.

And I have learned that in the most difficult of ways.

I have built a life around needing no one not even God. Up until recent years, I made it my mission to be everything to everyone all the time. No matter what it cost me. And it always costs you. Sometimes much all at once and sometimes a little at a time.

I woke up one day and felt like I was watching my life through the passenger side window. I wasn’t a main character in my own life. Everyone around me was. I wanted to call them all up and say what do I say now and what do I do now. And who do you want me to be? Please tell me who I am!!!

I felt like Simon Peter with Jesus. He asks me “ who do you say I am, Madison” and I say “ so and so would want me to say this”.

I remember sitting in my counselors office one day crying because I needed so much alone time to regulate. And she said to me “why is that so bad”. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was. I couldn’t help but feel guilty. It wasn’t until I became curious about why instead of making myself feel bad that I was able to uncover some truths.

I was left alone to regulate more often than not as a child. I had needs that were not met and I needed comfort that was not given. In turn, I learned that if I was going to regulate and find soothing, it was going to come from within and from being alone.

I did not know the need of being soothed existed in me until recently. . But I do need that. We all do. When we cry, we need to be comforted. We did as children and we do now.

And God the perfect loving father not only knows this about us but he created us this way. Look at the comfort in the scriptures. Look at his soothing love. Look at how many times he calms us by saying “ do not be afraid”.

I have been encouraged in recent years to go back to that little girl who was left to her own devices and ask her what she needs. And to patiently listen to her, not dismiss her, and to let the lord lovingly sooth and give her all she needs.

I have fist faught the ideas that having needs is selfish and unholy and instead challenged it with the truths of the bible that I can make my needs known and he will generously provide.

I have wrestled with my wounds to try and understand the deeper place god wants to terry with me. There is something more there. Something more intimate. Something more holy at work. More than meets the surface.

Needs tell our stories better than we can if we let them.

Almost all of us can say “take out the trash.” But very few of us can trace back the need. “ I need you to lighten my load”.

“ Please, come along” -  trace it back - “ I need your comfort”

“ I need you to be on my side” - “ I really need to be heard”

" Do you think I look fat?" - " I need your affirmation"

.

Think about it- Is there any better way on this planet you can think of to love someone than to ask them what they need and provide it? No. And is there any better way you feel loved than someone meeting a need? No.

Why? Because we are intrinsically created to need. God both writes and fulfills that prescription perfectly for us. Yet we are taught to deny them, and stuff them and worst of all that they are bad or wrong or selfish.

 I believe it is Holy to need and name those needs out loud and I can never be convinced otherwise. When I think on the needy of the bible and the full dependance Jesus had on his father, I am convinced.

When we starve our needs, they will eventually demand to be fed. This is why we fill ourselves to the brim with that which will not and cannot satisfy. It's like being so hungry you eat gross gas station food. You know you don't want it and it never satisfies. Addictions are rampant. The love of money is rampant. Lust is rampant. Because we all have needs festering beneath the surface. Some of us give them the shot gun seat and live much happier lives while some of us kick them out of the car, run them over, reverse and run them over again. But the truth is they only die with us. They exist to serve us and lead us like a north star back home to the cross.

Denying our needs may seem noble and sacrificial but it denies our greatest and deepest one of all- our need for his saving grace. Our need for him to pick us up in our falling down. Our need for him to kiss our boo boos and make beauty from our ashes. We white- knuckle through life lifting much heavier weight than we are able to carry on our own. After all- we don’t NEED help right?

Wrong.

I need.

And I’ve spent a lifetime being ashamed of those two words. I have fought with bloody knuckles not to need anyone or anything. I have begged God to make my needs go away and to make me stronger.

But he, like he always does, has a much better idea

"instead, I will provide”.